He Thought it Might Hurt His Confidence

Craig Groeschel writes in Winning the War in Your Mind:

“A lie believed as truth will affect your life as if it were true.”

That immediately made me think about a coaching conversation I had recently with a leader who was struggling with one of his stronger performers.

The employee was capable and productive, but there were some things that needed to change. He wasn’t consistently punctual. His professionalism wasn’t where it needed to be. He was spending too much time complaining about other people and not enough time taking ownership of himself.

The leader saw it. The issue wasn’t awareness.

The issue was what he believed might happen if he addressed it too directly.

At one point he said something close to, “I don’t want to hit him too hard and hurt his confidence.”

That matters because his hesitation wasn’t coming from weakness or indifference. He cared about the employee, knew he was talented, and didn’t want to damage something that was otherwise working.

But while he was protecting the employee’s confidence, he was also tolerating behavior that didn’t meet the standard.

And tolerance communicates.

If I repeatedly allow something to happen without addressing it, eventually I have to consider what I’m teaching the person to believe about what is acceptable.

Their company already had language for the standard. Two of their Core Behaviors were especially relevant: You are honest and You are prepared.

So rather than turning the conversation into a reprimand, the leader used those expectations to challenge the employee.

Being honest meant more than telling the truth to other people. He needed to be honest with himself about his attitude, his punctuality, and the role he was playing in the problems he kept pointing out around him.

Being prepared meant more than knowing how to do the work. It included how he showed up to do it.

That gave the leader a much better way to approach the conversation. He didn’t need to “hit him hard.” He needed to be clear enough to tell him the truth and confident enough to hold him to a standard he was capable of meeting.

The response was immediate.

By the next day, the leader noticed a difference in his attitude. There was less complaining, less ego, less drama. He was more professional and a better teammate.

What surprised the leader most was how well the conversation was received.

He had been leading from the belief that greater accountability might damage this person’s confidence.

The evidence suggested something very different.

The higher standard didn’t diminish the employee. It called more out of him.

I’ve seen enough versions of this to believe that high performers don’t need protection from high standards. In many cases, they expect them. They may even need someone willing to tell them when strong performance in one area is allowing them to excuse behavior in another.

A belief does not have to be true to influence how we lead.

If I believe a talented employee is too valuable to challenge, I may tolerate things that eventually affect the entire team.

If I believe someone’s confidence is too fragile for direct feedback, I may withhold the very feedback that could help them become better.

If I believe keeping the peace is more important than telling the truth, I may create a culture where people learn that standards become negotiable when the conversation gets uncomfortable.

The leader in this story didn’t need another accountability system.

He needed to recognize that something he believed about the situation was affecting the way he led it.

That’s a big part of what happens in coaching. Sometimes the value isn’t getting another answer. It’s having someone help you see what you may not be seeing clearly from inside the situation.

Learn more about how I coach leaders.

Once that changed, so did his leadership.

And almost immediately, so did the employee.

What are you tolerating because of something you believe might happen if you address it?

— James

P.S. If you’re leading someone who consistently performs at a high level but there’s something you keep hesitating to address, that hesitation may be worth examining. If you want someone to help you think through the person, the pattern, and the conversation before you have it, that’s exactly the kind of work I do. Learn more about coaching.